Depression as a signal

One of the (many) uncomfortable aspects of therapy is the way in which it forces the justification of personal mythologies. Mythologies are the stories we are told, and that we tell ourselves and others, about who we are and how we ought to behave in relation to others in our environment. Sufficiently reinforced, they become our reality.

In therapy, I’m surfacing and interrogating the mythologies that define me. Through the process, I’m learning that I don’t really know who I am. Much of what I believe about myself and my place in the world is informed by my interpretation of what others have expressed about and toward me.

Entire narratives exist in my head concerning the way I do and do not fit into certain groups. One of these mythologies relates to the extreme discomfort and sense of alienation I feel around thin women. Regardless of how I look, I feel out of place. Despite my knowing intellectually that it’s not true, Jerk Brain, aided and abetted by certain cruel people in my past along with my astonishing ability to compare myself to strangers on the Internet, has convinced me that, as a fat-identified person (my actual size being irrelevant to Jerk Brain), I don’t belong and am the subject of ridicule.

Another challenging mythology I’m coming to terms with has to do with the considerable emphasis placed on individual financial performance metrics in the industry in which I work, professional services (e.g., law, management consulting, public accounting). Over time, my definition of success and even my understanding of my own worth as a human being has become inextricably linked with my revenue and billable hours. One of the obstacles I’ve experienced in therapy over the last six weeks has been my reticence to admit that this mythology is hurting me. Jerk Brain tells me that I’m a traitor (to whom exactly is unclear) for questioning this seemingly foundational aspect of my profession. According to Jerk Brain, the only people who chafe up against this scorekeeping system are the ones who can’t hack it, who aren’t good enough. What baffles me is that even when I meet the ever-increasing numerical targets, I still live with a crushing sense of anxiety and failure. The narrative doesn’t change. I’m still not enough. By far, the worst part has been the creeping suspicion that I am the only one who feels this way. But I can’t be, can I?

Having to come to terms with the mythologies I have believed and allowed to define me is difficult. I keep trying to minimize my experiences and feelings, telling myself that none of them are that bad, that if I only tried harder or was a better person, it would all be OK.

In the second edition of their book, Systems Leadership, published in 2018, Macdonald, Burke, and Stewart wrote that there is no way to change existing mythologies. They have to be dismantled and replaced with entirely new ones. It takes time and persistence.

So, that’s what I’m doing in therapy right now, writing my future as an expression of who I want to be, rather than what I believe others (or Jerk Brain) want me to be.

4 Comments

  1. Hi Liz, I want you to know that you are not alone. I read your blog every day and it is helping me along my own journey. The more we share our vulnerability, the more it dismantles the myth that we feel our feelings in isolation. Keep going girl. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Like

  2. Hi Liz- thank you for your honesty. Reading your blog has become a daily habit for me, and I am not very good at establishing daily habits. I feel drawn to it and find so much value in understanding your journey as a way to understand my own journey better. Cheering you and myself along the way!!!

    Like

  3. The “merit” system of professional services, if you can call it that, is one of the many reasons I got out. You are not alone! With this or mythology about ourselves

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Liz, you are NOT the only person who feels this way. As you know, “we” have a terrible habit of subtlety (or not being subtle about) boasting who worked the longest, who had the most billable hours, who was up the latest, who sold the biggest or most prestigious deal. I hated that about our line of work. And it was almost inevitably tied to promotions, plumb assignments and the like. No wonder our worth is tied to our definition of a person…this line of work look a BIG part of our life. After stepping away from the upward path, I too am struggling (even with professional help) to remind myself that my worth as a human is not tied to accomplishments, but rather, who I am. It’s a tough nut to crack. I am right there with you. I just keep talking to the other half of my brain and reminding myself that the mirage is not true. I did get easier for me, I hope it does for you too.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s