Recovery update: The space between

Yesterday, I entered what I think of as the homestretch of my medication taper. Together with my psychiatrist, doing a great job with handling my care via telemedicine, we agreed to decrease my dose of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 150mg a day. In two weeks, we will re-evaluate and decide if I come off completely.

I’m not experiencing the symptoms of depression the way I have been for the last two years. However, the Coronavirus lockdown is causing changes to my routine that are damaging to my nascent mental health. It’s a weird space to be caught in. My motivation isn’t low. I desperately want to be physically active and outwardly engaged, but circumstances don’t allow it. I’m sleeping terribly, unable to fall asleep, often waking up several times in the middle of the night. In the morning, I struggle to get up, stuck in this groggy fog of exhaustion. It’s like I have the physical aspects of depression, but they aren’t coming from my Jerk Brain. I’m not entirely sure what to do with how I feel, because my usual remedies, including running outside, are largely not feasible at the moment. Living in a densely populated urban area, there are few places to run, bike, or walk that are both safe in terms of traffic and also allow me to keep at least six feet of distance with others.

I’m frustrated, but cognizant that I’m also lucky in terms of my circumstances. Nothing about this situation is simple or easy.

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